Embrace Change

What? this is the end of 2008? 2007-2008 there must be a lot of juicy news. haha. But it is more like a series of unfortunate events. the financial turmoil, global meltdown, government pulling on their reserved funds, bailout plans, retrenchment, pay cuts, no bonus. Thats pretty much on a global level.

I am just a small small character in this big wide world. But I represent an intelligent being, a being with thoughts and emotions with actions that make up part of the world as it is today. Think 2008 has been a bad year. I had prayed at the beginning of the year becoz according to the chinese lunar calendar, it is my zodiac year where something is known to crash and I will suffer bad luck for the entire year if i do not pray. But seems like bad things seems to happen to me.

I do not know if it is bad or good becoz there seems to be messages underlying each. First came my r/s. It has been rocky for sometime but everything look so rosy to other ppl. maybe i hide it well. no one really does know my inner world. The usual conflict happens and everything goes to hell from there. After her US trip, I feel it is the end. I can't hold it there no more. So eventually it ended in a breakup. Thinking back, why i could not have accepted her suggestion for a cool down. I felt so much like crap that my chest is so tight that i afraid i will have an asthma attack when she start to ignore me during my reservice and i know she is just trying to get over me for a new guy. i know it. but i refuse to accept it. i thought i can take it. i thought maybe i dun actually love her. but it was so hard when i see her friendster that she is in a relationship. She dun even put that when i was with her. I cant even cry. It was so suffocating. But finally on one morning, my tears flowed. I keep listening to songs and it just kept flowing. I feel good. That night at MOS I drank nearly one whole bottle of liquer. It was like release. I laugh so much so loudly till I cry. And I cry.

Everything after that is a daze where I learn to accept the fact, the truth. I thank those who showed me concern after that. Hongyun, Alvin, Lishan, Jiexin, Shirley, Bryan and also Ferina. It has been me. I was the one who pushed her away. I feel helpless, no goal no vision, heading nowhere. She never asked me for anything but I expect everything of myself. When I am unable to meet my own expectations I become dejected, deluded. I push her away thinking i cant give her anything. i am selfish. i expect everything of her. she changed so much for me but i fail to appreciate that, always asking for more. i did everything a bad bf would do and so finally she would leave. It was a hard choice. But she did not hate me. She kept the love in her heart and moved on. She would hope a better ger will come along for me. All that she has done for me.... Yet I hurt her again when I told her i know about her betrayal, of what happened in US and I just want to cut off with her. Such foolishness and self denial...

What is done cannot be undone. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be. Such is what we used to tell each other. It is like we have already done a forecast of our r/s. After 5mths, I finally come to accept everything that has happened and as the saying goes, everything happened for a reason. I suppose she has found a good bf now. All that seems to tell me, we are not meant to be no matter what we thought of each other.

Next big shit comes when my ex-colleague offer me a job position in "Awiwa" who is my current employer now. This big shit corporation pays some fat salary with some big ass benefits. But their work culture suck so hard with hypocritical backstabbers looming in the dark like assassins. The people are not helpful. They throw you to do your own thing. No welcoming for new guys. When you did something wrong then they will blame you. How the hell would we know what we are doing is wrong. You say no protocol mah. NOT so much rules mah. How the shit we suppose to know what are the rules? All bullshit man. "Let me help you". "No, no, no". "Dun disturb me lah i no time for you leh". Then what? Sit there do nothing take salary, go home lim kopi? But that again, it puts forth to me a challenge of survival and exceeding expectations. Me being extroverted, I forage for information by knowing new people of other depts. Boss is certainly impressed by my that ability, but still lacking in underwriting skills, my main duty.

Nonetheless, I still got fat pay and a challenge. May not have been that bad considering I have achieved much in CPF. But thats past glory and I should not be complacent nor bask in that. Next would be my studies.

A future is still waiting for me so I decided to study. Degree with unisim at 40% government subisidy. how cool is that. my first semester; org behaviour, management, company law, quantitative methods(QM). Easy lah except for QM. In the end the semester went pass like a dream. And very soon it is the Nov exams. I study one day before that. how cool is that. So in the end I feel like a bird brain during the exam. I shall await the results. most likely i will need to resit paper...

Such is 2008, coming to the end. Although bad things had happened but there are bound to be some good things happening as well and i shouldnt overlook that. Becoz i have got so much free time and some motivation, i train up a little bit to get rid of my spare tyre. It is like one SUV tyre. So big. Then I also met this ger Ferina. She is kind of cute and funny. And she has brighten up my days and make me feel less lonely.

Days seems be getting better as 2008 accordingly to the chinese lunar calendar is ending in late Jan 09. Hopefully I will have a better time next year.

posted by Charlie @ 4:07 PM