Embrace Change

-==Clarified?

Is it or is it not? I am not to judge and i will cease to now.

From fighting injustice done to J to becoming a personal thing. After yesterday's talk, J is satisfied so he gonna let the matter rest. Am i one to pursue the matter? No i am not. I am a nobody of their grp so i am not involve so i do not judge and do not intervene.

My mind is fixed. I talked to D. She is fine with me now. So she is happy and i am happy.

Blue pills. I got a good diet of it.

posted by Charlie @ 11:04 PM

-==Intense.

J sought out the grp, his grp and me being an outsider to this matter has been cast out of their area.

Despite me being an irrelevant personnel to this matter, I shall speak my fill here. This is after all my blog, my place to rant, the place I come truthful with everything I wish to. Even though u might judge me as bias, unjust and feed on a diet of S's pov, I am still here refusing any of their explanation.

Though S may have his faults, but its horrific to see what have u ppl said against him, behind him. Have u all not for a sec stopped to think abt urself and ur game of superficiality. The whole explanation that u all put forth is flawed for u all stand strong in ur own delusional matrix deceiving urselves that ur values are godly correct.

On ur presented side of the arguement abt J, if u had realised that u were wrong in saying all those things, y didnt u apologise then? J had to make the first move apologising becoz he feels he is at fault. But wait a min, what happen on ur side? Just becoz he said sorry and u think that u are absolved of all faults and apologies is hereby deem unnecessary? J today had to meet and force it out of ur mouth. How does it feels like stabbing someone and saying sorry hereby after, with much unwillingness too.

How sad of that. And the absence of sincerity in ur apology does not help at all. I will truly like to know what u guys thought of J and S so far. Are they not treated like a commodity to u, frens of convenience?

I am truly sick of the pretentious front that u put up everyday, based on the fallacies that u cooked up. However, am i not one of u ppl? Living in the delusional matrix, feed on blue pills infinitely.

Let God be testimonial to everything that happen and beware, karma is creeping up on u.

posted by Charlie @ 11:59 PM

-==Grievances.

It is very grieving to see how my friends are being tortured verbally, undermined, stabbed.... For how much they had given out to them have not been reciprocate appropriately. This is not about claiming credit but rather talking abt logic and reason. Does it not prick ur conscience? Do u even have one anyway.

It is not ethically right to tear ur fren like a ravaged animal simply becoz he spoke of the truth. But however its absolutely correct that people cant handle the truth. But that is not an excuse.

Now we know who to call our frens.

Fyp had made some people throw away their hides and behave atrociously, killing anyone who hinders their grades effectively. Its ugly, hideous, grotesque, whatever u name it. But i am especially disappointed with one whom i thought was more liberal and sensible then the lot. But she proves to me she is nothing short of them.

And for another, she will seriously pay for her heinous crimes all these while. And someone will KNOCK HER CROOKED MIND STRAIGHT. The other one whom i appreciate her naivety all these while had lost her stand with me. No longer this bunch of ppl held valuable meaning in my heart.

I long for justice to be served and may the apocalyptical battle happens tomorrow.

This is it.

posted by Charlie @ 1:11 AM

-==Bang.

The days since last week have been hectic. Its like a couple of my group members are working non-stop but i am relaxing. I am labeled a criminal by neglecting my duties last sat. It was just when Jo need me most and I am out having fun. Now i am trying to pay for it and guilt is smeared all over my face. Drop that.

Hardly find time out to blog or simply do not have the mood to do so. However today is a special day. Today is the day my fyp ends but yet i am here still doing miscellaneous stuffs for my mates to enhance our product. And our fuck up client had just managed to purchase the program to produce the executable for us. He is unwillingly at first to fork out more money to buy the program but the sch insisted on that hence he had to bulge.

Today's presentation was fine and smooth sailing. I had several hiccups when i am presenting but nonetheless the notorious James did not fire off. He was particularly quiet perhaps due to mounting admin tasks. We did it like in interim and the day is concluded with a short lunch with our PTN.

We thanked him for guiding and helping us all the time. In contrast to our client who did nothing to assist us, he should feel lucky if we are to take a sec off to talk to him.

The rest of the day is spent on getting the documentation right. I seriously hate paperwork. However we wrapped it up fast by ignoring very tiny insignificant details.

Though FYP is closed or rather going to be closed, acan is there to torment me. I am suffering from severe lack of rest and that any manipulation of minor details gonna pain me.

Agony.

posted by Charlie @ 12:05 AM

-==Stormy.

I woke up all gloomy coz it is sat morning and I had to wake up this early. I got to sch earlier then usual becoz of the fact that the lab closes early today. However I only manage to get a minimal amount of work done.

I was feeling very lethargic this afternoon. The weather is unbearable, a combination of scorching rays and high humidity. There, all the lunch in the stomach and repulsive sch work made me itch for lan. I rang jeff up and set the stage.

However what follows is an act not to be condoned. I lan for 5 hrs straight, totally ignoring that i have to do some documentation for my FYP. This results in an uproar among my other group members. I believe that they are utterly disappointed with me. Me on the other hand too is very upset.

Me, knowing all too well i should not do this at this point of time but yet i still made the mistake on the pretext of lack of leisure for the week. Thinking through, i will shut my justifications for they are plain excuses to escape the inevitable truth. I am in fault.

Henceforth, I will definitely appreciate genuine comments for my peer assessment. I dun wish to owe favours and feel more guilty. If it dicates a failure, i just got to accept it. I had it coming.

For now i wish for peace by myself.

Its almost sacred.

posted by Charlie @ 12:49 AM

-==Gunned Down.

I am mentally defeated, burdened by sch work and other aspects of my life.

So much worries and so much fears and the anxiety arising from project deadlines is extremely weighty. It makes me wanna throw punches at anything, anytime. I simply dun wanna handle work, refusing to get my hands dirty and running away from my responsibility......

Everybody changed after ITP. We became a bunch incredible slack ppl or became much more snappier, ready to sink our fangs into any bugger that comes our way. Leisure is not taken to the fullest. It just another thing that saps us of our energies which could be well channelled to our work.

But then, we need leisure to keep us going.... Contradictions, yeah i know.

However the ideal leisure should come in the form of sports. In a way it is much more fruitful and a sweat out usually makes our human body feels good, triggering the release of some chemical which i forgot. Ephorhine or something like it.

But it is nearing the end. I can already smell the freshner in Lan shops, the chlorine from the swimming pool, feel the incredible comfort of my bolster and enjoying dreamless slumbers.

Break is a requisite in my schedule now before i can poise myself to be elevated to greater heights. Like the chinese saying goes, xiu xi shi wei le zou geng yuan de lu.

Everybody shall pull thr. I am looking forward to the prom nite. Hope it will be a fun filled day.

End this before it ends us.

posted by Charlie @ 11:23 PM

-==Fallen apart.

This particular "fren" is an irksome fellow. Notice the "" and hell yeah, i dun look upon him like a real fren. Frens dun flame each other everytime when they talk. And its almost really everytime. Other times we will be engaging in unconstructive and superifical conversations.

Its silly and sensesless no doubt. I find absolutely no joy in hanging out with him. Its really stupid that he believes i will change and i believes that he will change. And he thinks that he is all omnipotent really peeved me. He is always making false assumptions of what goes thr my mind and misunderstand my words and ideas and hence, gets extremely annoyed.

God. And he wrote in my testimonials that he logged in to irc and american forums to learn how to be meaner in order to deal with me, to seek justice for what i did to him. He got it, okay so what? BACK OFF MAN. He should realise better that he dun need a fren like me. I dun even share what he do and hardly got anything to talk to each other.

Y does he need to make up a front to carry on infront of me? He claimed he discarded his hatred for me. But it doesnt lessen my resentment against him. It doesnt mean we are all frens again. This is not all abt me doing bad things to him. He does things to me too.

Has he not stopped for a sec to think y i might have done all that?

I dun wanna take his attitude no longer.

STEP AWAY MAN!

posted by Charlie @ 10:59 PM

-==Plunge deep, go deeper.

My confidence has just taken a nose dive.

A confession. You might not have realise, u might not have know. i am actually a hypocrite. Even i dun like u, i will still smile and talk to u. But i had to meet this particular guy, who sets himself to expose hypocrisy, to save the masses from my evilness.

But whats with the front anyway. And do u have to act on like my fren?

Do u have to stay around and judge me with a critical eye, tail on my every word and find every chance to slap me in the face over any mistake?

For i shall cease to justify myself. Unpleasantness surfaced at every attempt.

However, I am still me. Somethings wont change. It might never change. You might not like to hear this but this is the truth.

Judge me as u want for one day u might realise how one sided and stupid this is.

Its up to u.

posted by Charlie @ 12:18 AM

-==Life.

My work in sch is light. The usual panic is absent.

I am not early, nor prepared but, i simply couldnt care less..... But my negligence will get me. AAUP is hot on my heels. So is it on my classmates. I cant believe it is that bad. We can hang around in the music lab for hrs straight and still unable to comprehend the subject.

If it is a rock, i will pick it up and throw it in the face of Spicer. I really know nuts and do not want to know abt it. It is so badly managed and transmitted. I just dun wanna face it.

I am getting sick. I am terribly weary after 3 years of multimedia. Doing the same old thing day in day out, in the same lab. Hopefully i will be able to clear the obstacles and finally put down some of my obligations for awhile. Army should be a welcoming relief from sch all these years. I hope it is.

Now i am assigned the documentation of my FYP. Time for me to do something more for the group if not i will be feeling guilty. Terribly sick task. But by hook or crook, i will have to get it done... May i not disappoint my mates again.

Fall out.

posted by Charlie @ 11:04 PM

-==Girls.

Days spent dreaming abt meeting the right ger is totally senseless and time wasting.

Some ppl wonders y i am unattached becoz they think i am such a "nice" guy. A "nice" guy doesnt necessary makes a good bf material. I am dark and elusive. Nice is not the word to describe me. You are only rubbing on my skin.

Ppl always have this misconception abt me. They always assume i only go for gers who are aesthetically appealing.

But I am, like everyone else, personal appearance matters, at least for the initial impression. As to my observation, there is an abundance of pretty gers around, but they seems so far away, beyond my grasp and they are usually taken. However looks fade after awhile. Ultimately its personality itself that will create the chemistry that bonds the couple together.

Even though i know personal appearance is deluding, the criteria of my dream ger lingers on in my mind. I had seen one such ger these days but she is way out of reach. Besides, upon self reflection, i think i am hardly posed for a relationship.

I am on the downside of my life. Having no idea when i am heading and how would that help in a relationship? I hardly feel good abt myself too. i dun possess any will to achieve, let alone striving to achieve something thats well recognised by myself and my frens. I figured out that i might even have trouble adapting to the attached life.

Only when i am assured, then i will strike out.

Its not the time yet.

Not yet.

posted by Charlie @ 3:20 PM

-==Health==-

Recently there are quite alot of dramas and short stories abt the ill. Especially the kidney patients. NKF is on a high drive now to raise awareness. Their charity nite is coming up too and they hope ppl will donate generously.

Everytime i watched those dramas, i became paranoid. I am very afraid i will be down with those illness. It will be a heavy burden. I would not think i would have the mental will to continue living. That is if it strike me when i am young.

I am living a highly unhealthy life now, knowing nothing short of idylic leisure. Its either Lan or mahjong. And the usual days i went spent it infront of the computer. Only occasionally i will join my frens in swimming and hanging out at beach. Gone are those days i exercise at home and went jogging with my fren.

As days passed, i become increasing lazy and chair bound. And NS is the time for me to get a more physical lifstyle which will, ultimately improve my physique as well as instill more discipline in me. That is if i get into a field vocation.

No longer would i wanna live the life of a weakling anymore. No longer would i wanna live with my big tummy.

Therefore NS i welcome u with open arms.

Time to make a difference.

posted by Charlie @ 10:33 PM

-==Ugly==-

I experienced yet another day of Singaporeans ugliness. Singaporeans know nothing of courtesy.

My cousin who is from City Harvest church had managed to lay hands on free tics to the movie, Passion of Christ. She gave 3 tics to her sis who in turn asked me to go together, along with my close pal, hy. We met up outside of Cineleisure for dinner at 8.

By the time we are done, its already 9. However there was an unusually big crowd that jammed the entire width of the walkway. Initially i thought the movie tics are labelled free seating hencefore a probable rush to get the best seats. The conception of "kiasu-ness at work" then went through my mind. But after we checked, we had designated seats.

On closer inspection, the crowd occurs because people are trying to move out of the building. And they went abt it unorderly, totally clogging up the walkway. Sadly, cant those people stop for one solitary sec and think for others? People are trying to move up. They could help by stop pushing and form orderly rows and move out slowly. This in turn causes the people behind me to keep probing me to INCH forward.

That really fumes me. I turned back and gave a look but at least the ger behind apologised so it left me abit apleased. Then the ger got squeezed off somewhere and an auntie took her place. She kept fidgeting behind me and that gets me irritated and she seems ever so eager to cut me and get up before me.....

Infuriating..... Courtesy had really gone down into the asses of Singaporeans. They should really take it out and practice it. The goverment is not taking a pro active stand in this matter too. Slowly, Singapore will be infamous for its "ungracefulness".

posted by Charlie @ 2:23 AM

-==Cancer- June 21- July 22==-

How to influence Him: He likes someone that is a mental mate, who can carry conversations with him. He is subject to mood swings, so help him when he gets down, and ride with him when he is high. He is very intuitive and can sense your true feelings, be genuine and real, not pretentious. He can pick up on whatever mood you're in and feel the same way within minutes, if you are happy, he'll be happy, if sad, he'll be the same. He likes social things, but not in excess, get his approval first before you commit.
A few don'ts: Don't get careless about your personal appearance, he appreciates beauty.
There are certain things or beliefs that he holds more dear than others, don't tread on them. Don't bring to him other's emotional baggage, he'll pick up on these emotions and it may upset his mood. Don't try to dominate him, use diplomatic persuasion.
He goes best with: Scorpio, Pisces, Taurus, Virgo
He clashes with: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini
Neutral: Cancer, Libra, Capricorn, Aquarius

posted by Charlie @ 1:26 AM